Amber Portwood was sentenced to serve a five-year prison term earlier this week and now the troubled Teen Mom star has spoken out about her drug addiction, attempted overdose and mental issues.
“I took 30 Suboxone within three days,” Amber tells ABC News on Wednesday (June 6) in a jailhouse interview. “The depression took over. I’d just take four to five at a time underneath my tongue, and nod out. I had more than addiction problems. I had, you know, mental problems, too.”
“I had been at such a low point, I couldn’t go any lower,” she continues. “There’s nothing lower than trying to kill yourself. That’s why it’s probably hard to understand why I did what I did.”
“But when you mentally know that, you’re not right. You’re 22, and you tried to take your life twice. And you’re 22, and you’re still here, you don’t want to mess that up.”
Amber was jailed last December in connection with a felony drug possession and cut a deal to avoid her five-year sentence behind bars by agreeing to complete a drug program and regular court-ordered drug testing.
However, after failing to comply with the drug tests and being picked up on May 10th by authorities, Amber was released a week later – only to turn herself in on May 25th telling the judge she’s a “bad girl” who “couldn’t stand” complying with the terms of her drug program.
“In my situation, I felt in the program there were a lot of eyes on me,” she reveals. “And it was very uncomfortable. I was not using my anti-psych medication even.”
“You know, I was very depressed, all alone, all bitter at everybody,” she adds.
“I felt like that wasn’t the life I wanted to live, I felt like I’d rather do my time, and get it over with, and make the best out of the situation that’s been handed to me.”
Gary Shirley – the father of Amber’s 3-year-old daughter Leah – has held custody of their daughter because of Amber’s arrests, stint in rehab and subsequent jail sentence.
“I felt like I had no reason to even be around, because I was a mom.” she says. “I felt like that’s what I was put on this Earth to do, when I had her … and I started partying and doing drugs because I felt like I couldn’t do anything anymore. I lost my whole family, I felt like, they moved away from me.”
“I lived such a busy life and I woke up sometimes and was like, am I too busy for my family? And I felt so selfish. I was so depressed. It became kind of scary for me,” she continues. “I felt the same way I felt a couple years back when I, you know, tried to commit suicide. When I walked in a courtroom, I was like, if I don’t do something, I’m going to have to.”
Amber hopes that by entering prison long-term, she will finally be able to turn her life around for the better.
“You want to be free. Who doesn’t? But you know if you can’t do it, if you can’t do it, why are you kidding yourself?” she comments.
“I’m going to take some classes, I’m going to get my GED, take as many programs as I can. You know, just try to better myself for when I do get out and not stay in prison … I’ll be off the drugs, I’ll have an education to get me a job, you have to think of the positives in this negative story.”
And while Amber takes responsibility for the direction her life has taken, she does attribute some of the hardships to being on a hit MTV show like Teen Mom.
“Getting money at a young age, going to parties where drugs were given to you, that’s what really got me. … You make your own choices,” she reveals.
“It’s like every time you go out to eat, you know, people are staring at you, talking, and it’s hard. You get paranoid … It’s not normal, to always be paranoid.”